Satire: A Conversation Between Jesus and Paul

This satirical piece presents an imaginary conversation between Paul and Jesus, based on their words as recorded in the Bible.

Jesus: There are only 12 apostles. (Matthew 19:28)

Paul: No. I’m the 13th apostle. (1 Corinthians 1:1)

Jesus: You can't be, because you didn’t live with me and my apostles from the beginning. (Acts 1:21-22)

Paul: These rules only apply to the other apostles - not to me.  (1 Corinthians 1:1)

Jesus: You have to stick to the laws of Moses, though. (Matthew 5:17-19)

Paul: No! You are the law. We only need to believe in you. Who cares about circumcision, the Sabbath, eating kosher, or the Ten Commandments? (Romans 10:4)

Jesus: When you preach, do not ask for payment. (Matthew 10:7-10)

Paul: No Jesus, the God that made me an apostle also told me that I should ask for money.  (1 Corinthians 9:14)

Jesus: There’s only one teacher and that is me. People should not call themselves teachers. (Matthew 23:8-10)

Paul: What are you talking about? I’m a teacher, and all the other people that follow me are teachers too. (2 Timothy 1:11)

Jesus: You can eat with the sinners, just like I did. (Mark 2:15-17)

Paul: Absolutely not!!! (1 Corinthians 5:9-11)

Jesus: But when you eat, do not eat meat sacrificed to idols. (Revelation 2:14)

Paul: God does not care about what we eat. Food is food. It's okay to eat whatever you want. (1 Corinthians 8:4-8)

Jesus: Peter is my successor after me. (Matthew 16:18-19)

Paul: What? He’s a hypocrite. (Galatians 2:11-13)

Jesus: I also have women as disciples whom I love and respect. (Luke 8:1-3)

Paul: Women are to shut their mouths', sit at home and learn from their husbands. (1 Corinthians 14:34-35)

Jesus: I appeared to Mary Magdalene first. Of course I respect women. (John 20:18)

Paul: What? Nonsense. It was that hypocrite Peter you appeared to first! (1 Corinthians 15:3-4) You know what Jesus? You’re making me really upset. Women are not only to shut their mouths' and sit at home, I will also make them wear a scarf! And I’ll make sure my very own apostles will make it mandatory. (1 Corinthians 11:3-9)

Jesus: Men and women are to be united and get married. (Matthew 19:4-6)

Paul: Actually, I wish everyone were single like I am and abstained from intercourse with women! I will make this a rule now: Religious men have to stay away from women. And if they don’t have a wife, they should not get married after today. (1 Corinthians 7:1)

Jesus: I was killed at the hands of the Romans, and they turned the temple into a den for robbers. (Matthew 21:13)

Paul: Calm down, Jesus. My God - the God that has made me an apostle and told me to earn money - also established the authorities that we must obey and follow. We should pray for their success and support them. If we don't do that, we will not be successful… look what happened to you… (Romans 13:1-2)

Jesus: The gate that leads to destruction is broad and many will enter. (Matthew 7:13-14)

Paul: No you are wrong. The gate for salvation is broad. Everyone who believes in you will enter - no matter what they do. It is super easy. (Romans 10:9)

Jesus: Everything you are teaching, contradicts my words.

Paul: If my words contradict yours, people should still listen to me. I am a good man, trust me.